


A deer in the Headlights

by VoidLeviathan



Series: Coffee-Stained Books - Extra Bits [7]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: 4 am McDonalds Run for the Calhouns, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add more when I add the next chapter, M/M, Negative Thoughts, Or an attempt to sneak out, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sneaking Around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoidLeviathan/pseuds/VoidLeviathan
Summary: "Freeman? Why are you out here?"He froze. A deer in the headlights. No, no this wasn't going his way at all. He was meant to be out of here before they woke up."Is something wrong?" Tommy took a step forward, Freeman took a step back. He didn't know what to say. What was there to say?
Relationships: Tommy Coolatta/Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: Coffee-Stained Books - Extra Bits [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768609
Comments: 3
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't beta read and just as a reminder, this particular Gordon (Hlvrai Gordon) is referred to as Freeman in the story so he's not mistaken for regular ol' HL Gordon.

Quiet. He had to be quiet. Had to leave before they noticed anything was weird. If he left then the chances of them making him leave were slim and they could all happily go about their lives without any sorrow.

Freeman bangs his leg on the small table next to the front door. He hopes they didn't hear. Practically begs to whoever's watching that both Tommy and Benrey were still properly asleep back in bed. 

Back where he should be…

No.

He didn't belong there.  
They probably don't actually want him there.  
They were only planning to make him leave.  
He should leave before they notice.

"Freeman? Why are you out here?"

He froze. A deer in the headlights. No, no this wasn't going his way at all. He was meant to be out of here before they woke up.

"Is something wrong?" Tommy took a step forward, Freeman took a step back. He didn't know what to say. What was there to say?

"H-hey it's okay. We aren't...going to hurt you…?" Benrey spoke softly. The room was dark, but Freeman could practically feel the worried looks they were giving him.

This wasn't what he wanted.  
Why were they worried?  
Why couldn't he move?

"Freeman, you're worrying us. Why are you trying to leave? Did something happen? Was someone hurt?"

Hurt? No. No one...maybe he was.  
Hurt by his own stupid thoughts.  
Tommy sounded upset.  
Freeman' anxiety started to spike. 

Was he breathing? When had he started breathing so fast?

"Whoa okay, calm down a little." Benrey was talking again. He sounded upset too. " _Gordon,_ can you talk?"

"I-I…" Freeman's voice was hoarse. Why did his throat suddenly feel so dry?

"It's okay, take your time. We can wait." Tommy sounded calm now. His voice almost soothing among the thoughts that frantically raced through Freeman's head.

"Scared...I'm scared." 

"Did you have a nightmare?"

Freeman shakes his head.

He wants to explain why he's scared, terrified out of his mind, but he doesn't know how without upsetting them. Something he was trying to avoid.

He could hear his heart pounding. His frantic breathing quickly forming into not breathing all together. He kept telling himself to run, to get himself out of there, but his legs just wouldn't listen. Tommy must have noticed, taking a few steps forward again and very carefully taking Freeman's good hand in his own. 

It made Freeman flinch. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't help it. Everything felt wrong. Why did it all feel so wrong? Why did his mind scream for help yet also beg him to run? He didn't know when he started moving, but Tommy had steadily pulled him over to the couch and gotten him to sit down.

Benrey disappeared for a few seconds and by the looks of it, came back with a glass of water. The second the glass was carefully transferred to his shaky hands, Freeman downed water in one go. He didn't know when Sunkist had laid her head on his lap, but he appreciated it, attempting to slowly pet the dog while simultaneously still wrestling with his anxiety.

All eyes were on him. He didn't like that. Didn't like being watched. Didn't like the thought of what was to come next. They were planning to kick him out. He knew they were. They've seen him at his worst and now they probably want him gone. He didn't blame them for it, a lot of people didn't want him to be around them. He was lucky he even still had the friends he had. Probably wouldn't be long till he lost them as well.

A hand gently ran its way through his hair, pulling some of the smaller knots out and ever so slightly scratching at the top of his head. It was comforting, he liked that feeling. Told his brain to calm down and focus on specifically that feeling. 

It helped. Only a little.

Enough to convince him to finally lay his head on Tommy's lap and close his eyes. He could think about leaving later, right now exhaustion overtook his mind and shoved all else away to let him sleep.

"I'm worried." Tommy whispered. He still softly scratched at Freeman's head while he snoozed, worried of what may be wrong with his second partner.

"I know he's had bad anxiety attacks before but-"

"That was a complete meltdown. I don't even think he realized he was crying and he's usually really aware of stuff like that."

"But what could have caused something like that? I don't- I...could have it been from work?"

"No, it was something else." Benrey heavily sighed, sinking further into the couch to think. He's known Freeman nearly as long as Tommy. Longer in fact. He couldn't remember a single time he had this bad of a panic in their previous relationship before getting back together. 

It clearly wasn't the cause of a nightmare, so maybe the cause was something else? Maybe a reawakened fear or a memory that hit him that he didn't want them seeing his reaction to. Either way, if practically boiled Benrey's blood thinking about it. 

Whatever happened, they would have to wait until morning to properly figure it out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a blog for this au now!!  
> Its called Coffeestained-books!  
> If you're ever curious about anything for the au you can drop an ask there
> 
> Or @ my new main blog enby-crow qvq
> 
> As per usual, this was not beta read.

Freeman dreaded waking up that afternoon. Bones aching and head in pain, he didn't want to move from wherever they laid him that night.

Didn't want to think about that night.

Think about how disappointed Benrey and Tommy must been in him for having such an outbreak.

And for what?

Nothing?

He despised his anxieties deeply. Wished it would just go away. Unfortunately he could feel it boiling deep within him the second he woke up. And unfortunately he could also feel Benrey and Tommy looking directly at him as he rolled over on the couch.

He didn't want this.

Not right now.

Just wanted to sleep.

To forget.

"Pretending you're asleep isn't going to help your case." Said...someone. Freeman assumes its Benrey.

He sounds tired.

"You gotta..we...you need to talk to us." 

That one was Tommy. He also sounds so unbelievably tired.

They wouldn't be tired if he could have just left quietly while he could. Wouldn't be dealing with him if he just got out and away without making nose. Stupid dumb key holding table had to be im the way.

Maybe if he played it dumb. 

Freeman yawned, stretching his legs and back best he could from the position he'd been put in. Now that his brain was functioning a little better he could easily make out that he was laying with his head in Tommy's lap and his legs over Benrey's on the couch.

How long had they all been like this?

Did they sleep at all?

Were they mad?

He had a lot of questions.

"You had us worried, you know. Being stupid trying to run off at night. Scared Tommy." Benrey's talking again. He'll probably do most of the talking between the two. Probably scold him for his stupidity.

Freeman sighed, "Can we do this later."

"No." Benrey replies, "This isn't something we can just talk about later. You scared us. You tried to run away  _ again _ . What, did you think we wouldn't notice you were gone? That we wouldn't worry ourselves sick?"

"Benrey you're going to scare him m-"

"No! I want to know just what the hell that was. We're all prone to bad anxiety attacks but that-!...It was like...he didn't even trust us. He was trying to run away." Benrey fell silent. Thankfully noticing Freeman flinch as his voice was raised and doing his best to calm himself in order to keep the other calm as well.

Tommy carefully started to run his fingers gently through Freeman's disheveled hair. An expression of worry still clear on his face.

"We just want to know what happened. But...if you want to wait till you're ready to talk…"

"I have...a really serious fear of abandonment…" Freeman begins to explain. His voice was hush, almost entirely too quiet. As if this was something he never wanted people to know.

"Its really bad. It started when my dad was just never around? A-and then sorta got worse as time went on when people just...forgot about me. Friends. Family. Maybe its...Athazagoraphobia? But I-...I have these nights where I just...it all gets overwhelming…"

"Overwhelming how?" Tommy asks. Freeman appreciates his partner trying to keep him going.

"Like its all my brain can think about. 'What if I'm not good enough? What if they leave me or forget I'm here and just don't care? What if they're planning to leave ne tomorrow and I don't even know about it?'" Freeman paused. He never really realized how bad his situation was until thinking about it now. He didn't like it.

"It has nothing to do with you two I…I don't know man I just spiral. It scares me. I physically feel sick when I think about it. Think about how I fear constantly every day that one day I'll wake up and everyone just forgot or left me. I trust you guys with my life but my brain is so messed up that...that its not even the only problem."

"Have you attempted to talk to anyone about that?"

"Yes Benrey I have. Unfortunately the people I talked to deemed me too much of a problem and stopped talking to me. Eventually it became such an awful problem that I….I…"

"You what?" Benrey pushed on.

"I left you. I convinced myself to leave you. I got so fucking scared that I was a problem and that you'd forget me that I broke up with you over text and left. I was mortified for months, years even, that I even made that kind of decision without talking to you because I…..I was so...so fucking afraid. I convinced myself maybe if I ended it first, then that would be that and it wouldn't give anyone the chance to hurt me."

The more Freeman explained the clearer everything all those years ago became to Benrey.

His flighty reaction when meeting new people. How guarded he started to act. How hard it was to get through to him when they finally met again by chance.

What he meant when he snapped and said he was scared to Benrey during them re-meeting each other. Benrey had only continued to yell, never once questioning what he meant when he said it.

But it made sense.

Made Benrey feel awful.

Made him upset he never tried to help. Never noticed it until it got so bad he and Tommy couldn't  _ not _ see it.

The break up made so much more sense with the context behind it and Benrey never once thought about what caused it to happen before.

He wondered what that was like for Freeman.

Those years alone. Losing his hand. Having no one until he by chance met Tommy. Wondered how lucky it was he met Tommy and if something may have gone wrong had he not. 

All Benrey could do was hug and comfort and hope it was enough now. Enough for just today. Maybe enough to convince Freeman that he and Tommy still cared and always would care. He wasn't even aware Freeman was crying until he felt him shaking. Tommy gently rubbed his back, shushing him ever so softly as he did. Benrey wished he was better with emotions.

"I know I should talk to you guys about this shit but…"

"I-its okay!" Tommy piped up, "Its hard to talk about emotions sometimes. I always wanna tell you guys how I feel but its...I...its hard! Sometimes you just don't know how."

"You saw how I and my brother acted with each other." Benrey added, "All both of us did was yell because we couldn't talk to each other about how we felt. Emotions suck."

"Yeah I...I'm sorry guys…"

"Don't be Freeman! I'm just glad you didn't actually run away." Tommy reassures him again. Freeman can't help but smile a little.

"I'm glad I didn't run too...I uh...I really love you guys...thanks for helping and putting up with my dumbass…"

"We love you too Freeman! You want me to make breakfast today?"

"Yeah..yeah thank you Tommy…"

The day went on relatively normal after that, with the frequent gentle reminder to Freeman that he could talk to them when he needed. And an even more frequent reminder that they still loved him and wouldn't stop loving him.

His anxiety didn't settle.

It wouldn't settle right for years to come. But for once after several long years of trying hard to find something right for him…

Freeman felt great.


	3. Bonus Chapter: 4 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey: Hey.  
> Benrey: Wanna get some McDonalds?  
> Barney: Wh-  
> Barney: Benrey its 4 am why are you awake?  
> Benrey: Well? Do you???  
> Barney: ….  
> Barney: Yeah yeah...let me come pick you up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha you thought that was the last chapter  
> You FOOLS  
> THIS is the last chapter 
> 
> Your frendly neighborhood Crow is feelin' for these boys and the Coffee Shop AU

_Benrey: Hey._ **  
**_Benrey: Wanna get some McDonalds?_   
**Barney: Wh-  
** **Barney: Benrey its 4 am why are you awake?**   
_Benrey: Well? Do you???_   
**Barney: ….  
** **Barney: Yeah yeah...let me come pick you up.**   
  
The ride to the McDonalds was fairly peaceful, but Barney could tell something was eating at Benrey. It was usually always like this when they went out. Something that happened frequently when one of them felt anxious. Naturally it was always Benrey who texted Barney, but some nights Barney would need a distraction too.   
  
And sometimes it worked.   
  
Sometimes it helped both of them just forget what they were even worried about to begin with. But tonight Barney had a feeling the anxiety wouldn’t simply melt away for Benrey. That was okay. They’d gotten their food and made their way to their favorite park, sitting quietly under the night sky as they ate.   
  
When they finally finished it was obvious that Benrey still didn’t let go of what was eating at him. Barney decided to speak up about it properly rather than sending him home without a word. A simple “Are you okay?”   
  
Benrey shrugged.   
  
“Things have been difficult. A couple uh...nights ago...I and Tommy found Freeman trying to leave? He looked all scared and frantic, like something happened. When we asked if he was okay he just wouldn’t answer and kept freaking out.”   
  
“You got him to calm down eventually right?”   
  
“Well..sorta? Tommy eventually got him to lay down on the couch wit him. But it was what he said before it. He said he was scared, Barney. He kept saying he was scared and I didn’t think much of it until he like...explained and shit when he finally woke up. I've been thinking about it since.” Benrey ran his hand through his hair, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He wanted to curl up in a ball for awhile and just not think about it anymore but he couldn’t help it.   
  
Barney understood that feeling. He got that way a lot whenever Gordon was gone or his parents were brought up.   
  
“What he say when he woke up?” Barney asked.   
  
“I don’t know uh...well I do. He talked about College. Talked about how in college he broke up out of nowhere because he got that same feeling. Says its like...instinct to him because when he was a kid, people kept forgetting and leaving him. Something about how he might possibly have some serious phobia. I just...I mean shit Barney I didn’t even think about that. Never once thought maybe something was actually wrong and that maybe I should...try and fix it? Ask him what happened when he sent me that text last night? He tried to leave because he thinks maybe if he leaves first then he can’t be hurt...thinks we’re all going to leave him.”   
  
“Shit…” Barney bit his lip. He sorta understood that feeling himself, but he never thought Freeman had it so bad. He wondered how long Benrey had been letting this eat at him. Thought they’d gotten past the entire college thing and just stopped thinking about it all together.   
  
“Maybe you...I uh...I mean fuck I don’t know how to…”   
  
“Its okay Barn I just...I needed someone to talk to about it. I’d talk to your Gordon but I don’t really uh...know if it’d be good seeing as he was in the middle of our whole thing back in college.”   
  
Barney hummed. “Well...have you thought about therapy for him?”   
  
“What?”   
  
“Therapy. Like uh...group therapy?” Benrey looked confused, it made Barney want to laugh a little regardless of how deep the topic had gotten. “I’m in this small therapy group. Been in it for about a year now, I think? Doctor Coomer actually runs it so its not like it would be someone he doesn’t know. Maybe I could convince him to try it out?”   
  
“I wouldn’t want to shove this all onto you Barney…”   
  
“No listen. I uh..I get where hes coming from. The whole being worried people will leave you again and again and thinking maybe if you leave first you’ll be fine. I’ve been there, Benrey. But this group has helped me a lot with venting and getting past it for the most part. Its been really good for me. If you let me talk to Freeman I honestly think it could help him too.”   
  
“You’d...you’d really be willing to help with that?” Benrey wanted to be sure. He didn’t want to drag Barney into it, didn’t want to make things hard on him too.   
  
Barney simply smiled and patted his back, “You guys are my brothers, no shit I’d be willing to help Ben! Besides, the whole reason we have these four am fast food runs is to help each other out right?”   
  
“R-right uh...thanks Barn...sorry for ruinin’ this whole thing.”   
  
“You didn’t ruin anything. I’m just happy to do these kinds of things with my big brother again.”


End file.
